God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
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Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
still the best tweet of the year by far
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]