God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!