God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
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The symmetry is uncanny.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.