God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
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[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans