God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.