My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.