[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My teenage children choosing violence
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.