@Audenary: ME: Who is your favourite philosopher? PROFESSOR: It's Hume. ME: Sorry - whom is your favourite philosopher?

@iamburtjarvis: [2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound] "chief, something has brought the boys to the yard" bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

@autocorrects: Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there's nothing left?

@Just_Beachy72: Son told me "Make me a sandwich, woman" and now I have one child instead of two

@_eric_alexander: I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.