@samalmightysam: God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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@Breadery: *Sat talking to a girl at a bar* Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely. Me: I AM SMELLING YOU Brain: Why do you hate me?
@TheJamieLee: Never understand when someone says, "cats are snobby." Like dogs are constantly inviting you & the kids over for burgers & a swim?
@Laser_Cat: *gets pulled over* Do you know how fast you were going? *pulls string* *inflates emergency mustache* Oh sorry officer. You're free to go.
@robfee: If the ESPN Fantasy Football app were slower and unreliable it would be playing quarterback for the Bears.