God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
*Seductively hides in the woods
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”