God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Tier 3 meme
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them