I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Is this you?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
a lot to unpack here
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life