Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
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Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.