ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.