[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
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Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.