[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
what does he know…
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
When you kidnap a writer.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms