[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
The absolute effort that went into this omg
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life