[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands