I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
technically true but not a great slogan
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…