[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
My kitchen overserved me.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.