[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
👾👾👾
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”