God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now