God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
You Might Also Like
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
meanwhile over on facebook
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.