[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.