[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
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Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.