(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
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WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.