(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
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[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it