[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
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Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
What?!?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.