[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
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Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.