[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
You got this…
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.