[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy