[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
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ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
this is uni
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.