[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
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Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.