{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”