[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.