[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?