[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*