[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Said the murderer.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Ugh but profoundly
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras