[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
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*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.