@Cpin42: [God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
@KeetPotato: [1st day as cop]
captain: "why did you call for back up"
me: "there was a fly in my car"
swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do"
@_eric_alexander: Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
@femaleproblems: If this isn't me
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it's lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I'm too pretty for jail
@TEXASVETERAN: Neighbor thinks I'm stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.