[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?