[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
You Might Also Like
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off