[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Very good news from my accountant
spicy snake
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
found my next D&D character name
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Oh we’ve met.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house