[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
You Might Also Like
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.