[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Just a bush.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*