I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”