I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
You Might Also Like
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood