My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
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After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter