[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
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Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.