god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
ok this is my dumbest yet
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.