Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
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Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.