I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.